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I may be a living legend, but that sure do not help when I have got to change a flat tire.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I am watching the highlights.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Why do not you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

The best measure of a man honesty is not his income tax return. It is the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.

I think serial monogamy says it all.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.