Find the Perfect Quote | Explore Our Curated Categories for Every Occasion

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

When I go to a bar, I do not go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

I consider that a man brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

I do not have a bank account because I do not know my mother's maiden name.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.

I do not deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I do not deserve that either.

I rant, therefore I am.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

When you are in love it is the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I do been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I am going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I will do it.