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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

I am writing a book. I have got the page numbers done.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

I never said most of the things I said.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread one day at a time.