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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

A word to the wise are not necessary - it is the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Elbert Hubbard

I feel sorry for people who do not drink. When they wake up in the morning, that is as good as they are going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That is relativity.

Albert Einstein

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Benjamin Franklin

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is ninety-seven now, and we do not know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler

Housework can not kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

If the facts do not fit the theory, change the facts.

Albert Einstein