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I am not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

They certainly give very strange names to diseases.

Plato

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You are not out of it until the computer says you are out of it.

Erma Bombeck

Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress when I get tired of one, I spend the night with the other.

Anton Chekhov

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Rodney Dangerfield

Doctors are just the same as lawyers the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

Anton Chekhov

The doctor sees all the weakness of mankind the lawyer all the wickedness, the theologian all the stupidity.

Arthur Schopenhauer

Doctors will have more lives to answer for in the next world than even we generals.

Napoleon Bonaparte

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Isaac Asimov

Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only pain we obey.

Marcel Proust

Three-quarters of the sicknesses of intelligent people come from their intelligence. They need at least a doctor who can understand this sickness.

Marcel Proust

A physician's physiology has much the same relation to his power of healing as a cleric's divinity has to his power of influencing conduct.

Samuel Butler

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

Earl Wilson

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It is not organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

Ivan Illich

Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm.

Hippocrates

The best doctor is the one you run to and can not find.

Denis Diderot

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner

As a medical doctor, it is my duty to evaluate the situation with as much data as I can gather and as much expertise as I have and as much experience as I have to determine whether or not the wish of the patient is medically justified.

Jack Kevorkian